Letter from Malaysia

Dajia hao ( Hullo everyone ),

As Gao Jian pointed out, I mistakenly called you all my Big Sisters ( Dajie hao ) last email. A nice twist on the Chinglish we enjoy so much in China.
Recent classics include : Please don't presd down on the pretly grass ; Mashroom ( toilet ) ; no vocifercation ; uproaring and shouting would also disturb the publicity and influence hotel guests to rest ; adultery and showing reaction is not joyful .

We hope that you are all well. Veronica and I had an amazing time in China - again.
For 9 days we travelled around Hainan without hearing much English. Finding food ( that a wai guo ren can eat ) is often difficult but always creates a laugh.

Hainan Dao is a large island ( about half the size of Tasmania ) off the south coast of China. We travelled to 3 main locations on the island.

Haikou, in the north, is the capital and one of the most frenetic cities we've been to. The old town and back street markets are a photographer's heaven.

Wuzhishan is an ethnic minority region up in Hainan's hilly interior.

Sanya, in the south, is to Russia what Bali is to Australia. A spectacular beach area full of cafes, bars and a McDonalds. Most of the street vendors and cafe owners tried talking to us in Russian. They speak some Russian but no English. I would answer them in Chinese with my best Russian accent. On one occasion I nearly got to sell Veronica for a vintage 20 year old bottle of Vodka. The deal fell through when I tried to down play her incontinence.

We enjoyed balmy tropical weather most of the time despite the occasional heavy shower of rain. On one such occasion we took shelter in a pet grooming saloon ( the new China ). The place was full of pampered pooches and gay guys with scissors.
I tried explaining to this miserable little poodle dressed in a frilly dress and pink toenails that this had to be better than being number 43 with black bean sauce but it seemed to fall on deaf ears. Just then a peddle cab pulled up and a man holding a confused cat got out in the torrential rain. We seized the moment, jumped into the now vacant cab
and went searching for a coffee.

We are now back in Malaysia and rapidly putting on weight.
After a night in KL we took a bus to Ipoh and languised for two nights in the once majestic Railway Hotel. Unfortunately the lunatics have taken over the asylum. The grand old lady is now riddled with arthritis. Paint peeling, carpet full of mildew, the Malay signs look like graffiti. We concluded that it must be time for Britain to invade Malaya again.

From Ipoh to Appu

The weekend after we arived in Penang was the first anniversary of George Town being awarded UNESCO World Heritage listing. All over town the Chinese, Malay and Indian communities held various festivities. I won't go into detail but the explosion of sights, sounds, smells, tastes and sheer excitement was mind blowing. What a place. Is there
anywhere else on the planet quite like Penang? This is now our 13th continuous year of coming here and the love affair has never waivered.

We have a car too. Hitherto referred to as The Yellow Peril. Picked it up from our friend Appu last night. After being run over by a dog last year we decided to turn potential disaster into a speed hump.

'Ring' 'Ring' - " Appu, a white man has stolen your car ".

Funny thing; we ride 2,000 km every year on a motorbike and Veronica sits as quiet as a mouse on the back. Now we have a car and she's a nervous wreck.

Over dinner Appu recited the tale of his two trips to England. As usual, we laughed to the point of almost losing another sensational Penang meal.
In his teens ( he's now 35 ) Appu could speak no English. He was driving for a tour company and was entrusted with transfering an English couple from Penang to KL. Despite the language problems they soon fell under his spell, as nearly everyone does. He has an uncanny knack of knowing what people need. If you feel thirsty his car will miraculously find a roadside stall and you're soon sipping fresh coconut juice.

Appu drove them to KL and left them at the Marriot. Two hours into his return trip to Penang he happened to glance in the rear view mirror and spy a lady's handbag on the back seat. It was full of money, cards, 2 passports and various valuables. He immediately turned around and drove back to KL.

At 2 am he found them pacing the foyer of the Marriot Hotel completely distraught and unable to trace the driver. They couldn't believe it when he walked in with the handbag. The guy pulled all the money out of the handbag and thrust it at Appu. They were so pleased to get back their documents and money was no object. Naturally Appu refused the cash but the couple pretty much adopted him then and there.

To cut a long story short, they paid for him to come to England, taught him English and still visit him every year in Penang. When ever the English couple come to Malaysia they pay for Appu to travel everywhere with them.

Appu says, " The guy comes here, hires a car and then he drives. His wife likes to sit in the front to see the view, so I sit in the back. Now I am the boss. "

Better go, this keyboard has all the letters worn off so I keep making mystakes. You literally have to tread on the spacebar to make it work.

Hope everyone is well. Love to all.

John and Veronica.

Letter from China

Dajie hao,

We are sitting in a ritzy open air Russian cafe on the Dadonghai coastal strip of Hainan Island in China.

A tropical storm has imprisoned us here.

A big 'Ni Hao' to all our friends.

We've been on the run for over a week now. It all began with a Air Asia flight to Kuala Lumpur, which was fortunately without incident albeit uncomfortable. I did my best to contract Durian poisoning while Veronica tried to track down her Malaysian boss who has been hiding from her in KL. We eventually found his Clinic but he had somehow gotten wind of the approaching Dragon Lady and fled.

We checked out of our KL hotel at 4 am and took a hair-raising, one hour taxi ride to the airport for our flight to China.
"Sorry sir, your flight has been cancelled, come back tomorrow."

Various textures of excretement hit the aircon before they consented to putting us up in a ghost town on the outskirts of KL. It was a reasonable hotel surrounded by reflexology brothels and hundreds of deserted shops.

We arrived in Haikou ( Capital of Hainan Island ) a day late. The official welcoming party tried to explain to us that there was no bus and their overpriced taxis were the only option. We eventually arrived at the Banana Hostel after a series of bus trips and settled in to playing one of our favourite holiday games - spot the cockroach.

There are parts of China where a white man can starve.
Last night we stayed in a remote ethnic minority region called Wuzhishan ( Five finger mountain ). The restaurant served up a dish I call Exploded Chicken.
The basic recipe is: One chicken; 6 large mushrooms ( which the chicken has to eat just before going to God ) and a stick of dynamite.
The dynamite is forced inside the chicken and then they blow it up. The resultant mess is gathered up, put in a pot and sauteed in its own urine. Toss in some chilli, garlic and more chilli then serve hot.

The previous night, after being eaten alive by mosquitos the size of small birds, we discovered that this area is Malarial. My little Lotus Bud panicked and we made a bee-line for the nearest Yaofang ( Chemist ). I must point out that we have not heard a word of English in 3 days and my Chinese only serves to confuse most people. I asked for quwenji ( mosquito repellant ) but they wanted to give us toilet paper. Veronica immediately drew upon her years of professional acting and started buzzing around the shop, flapping her wings and poking her proboscus-like index finger into the arms of several very distressed looking shop assistants. They asked us to leave.

As we drove out of town on the first bus this morning I imagined passing a huge under-cover area full of tai chi masters teaching advanced forms in perfect English. Next door was a boutique Coffee House with a large TV screen showing replays of Brisbane Lions Grandfinal wins and episodes of Master Chef. Home suddenly didn't seem such a bad place.

Love and wishes to all our friends.
As the many beautiful Chinese people we have met in the past week say - man zou ( take care ).

John and Veronica.